My birthday wish for 2008...to be fulfilled by Dec 2009...

For the past dont know how many birthdays, as far as i can remember, i had (in past tense) always been making intangible and vague wishes, which till now, i dont know if they came through or not. But i am very sure of something, my only clear & obvious wish in 2006 doesnt come true...And i guess..the way i did / didnt do certain things in the build-up, that wish was doomed at the start. So i shall state clearly some of my wishes..hopefully (no..i shall make it happen) they will come true by the next Dec.

1- A new pair of spectacles. I want the one which is similar to what my colleague has...plastic frame...and in red...He said the frame is widly available and is cheaper than the other non-plastic ones...But i wasnt that keen on window-shopping in spectacle shops in the first place...Never mind... i shall do it...

2 - A mahjong card set. My dad and my relatives had in the past said that the way i played is kinda predictable and that i always throw the wrong tiles.. so i would like to have one to hone my skills....No tiles set please, its too noisy....

3 - A sony ericsson handsfree earpiece. Mine was spoilt for like more than 2 months, and i was quite surprised that one from the flagship shop cost about $20 plus...Couldnt find it at those pasa malam stalls though...

Some intangible wishes

1 - The same for all the previous years, I want to be happy. But somehow i dont know exactly what makes me happy...i only know what makes me unhappy...but putting a 'dont' in front on that wish seems wierd...

2 - I want my career to be smooth sailing. And i mean...my present job...

3 - I wish for my parent's health, and by treating them well and giving them less to worry about... i guess it helps...

4 - I wish to have a solution to this problem...i wrote in my diary..."我还是无法把过去美好的回忆当成是种记念，而是一再地寻找当时的憧憬，当时的感觉，当时的点点滴滴。。。。如果我真的能做到能拿得起，放得下。。。我相信自己会活得快乐些，忧郁也会少一些，遗憾也会少一些， 痛苦会少很多。。。我也能够重新接受自己，勇敢地去寻求想要的未来，想要的世界，想要的一切“　

5 - I want to fulfill that unfulfilled wish that i made in 2006....that 'person' would surely be different (because if it does, it would contradict the above wish no.4)..and in the process of doing so... i shall play a more active role...be a more natural guy...and overcome my resistance and shyness and fear of doing certain things.... I know that its not as difficult as i thought it would be...and as long as i dont think too much and procrastinate and complicate things...the chances of this wish coming true is very high....

Taipei Vacation....Getting there & Coming back....

6D5N trip. First-time going there after watching so much of it on TV. The plane ride was quite good and comfortable (except for the lack of free food & drinks & blankets & music / TV player ) Its seems much better than those normal airlines. Maybe the 'budget' is in terms of something else....Not only me, but other travellers also complained about the antics that were being displayed onboard...those who blasts loud music over thir laptop / MP3, the constant 4hr40mins chatting by 2 elderly non-stop, the unwillingness to switch off their handphones & to buckle up their seatbelt (one even seems to be pretending to fall asleep when approached by the stewardess), and this one takes the cake...one page of the in-flight magazine was missing (the one detailing all the flights informations)...However, the service is great. The stewardess are very polite & courteous (the ground staffs too), the food is great (according to my mum), the safety instructions are clear & every information communicated to us are in english and mandarin (even the pilot's speech), the leg room is okay...oh yah..i quite like their uniform...orange and black...

In front of my seat are 2 girls whom at first i thought are Taiwanese. Their dressing is fashionable & they look pretty (they are pretty, just that they also know how to dress well too)..One of them, head tilted, resembles the 杨怡, the 杨怡in 学警雄心....And guess what, we are taking the same airport transfer, staying in the same hotel & will be going for the same tour the next day. Sounds good?

40 mins more....Bye Bye Changi....

40 mins more and I would be on the plane...yeah...quite a great feeling to be at one of my favorite place in Singapore, and going to another favorite destination.... Hope the journey is good (I have never taken budget airline before)...Anyone wants anything from there (i dont know if anyone knows exactly where i am going to as i didnt mention it), feel free to sms me....(but reply not guranteed...haha)....Bye Bye...

The evolving sense of 'reality'....

Certain things, i really dont know how to explain. Thought that its just me who's like that, but...
Where do i start??? U know for me especially, there are some people whom i can talk very freely with over the phone, and even if the topics get bored, there is no inclination to put down the phone.. but when i meet these people face to face, there's nothing much (interesting) to say. And on those rare occasionals when i get into msn, i could chat easily with people whom i most probably wouldnt even recognise them on the streets. It just seems that both of us can be "good friends" over the phone, but in reality, we just seems to be drifting very far apart. Sort of a double-life. Or a "地下情" that everything has to be done hush hush...or a 见不得光thing...or that one (or perhaps both) are ashamed or startled that we could / had been so close to each other... i really dont know why i get this kind of feeling...and it gets magnified when it comes to the opposite sex... I guess these type of atmosphere is created mutually...

One more day to go &　I would be on the plane...And coincidentally (maybe not so)...she (this word is a noun, and whether its specific, its ..) is also flying off on that day. Yah...the 'she' is the topic of discussion in the earlier paragraph. Same airline, different timing, different destination.... I checked my hotel location and its 10 mins away from the MRT station (the travel agent recommend it, says its 5 mins, and thats why i choose this)..and the online reviews arent exactly good...Most Singaporeans criticize it, but others are okay with it....(actually i think criticism doesnt mean its bad...tonnes and tonnes of people criticize the packness of our MRT train, but i am quite okay with it...Not many people criticize the fact that people ALWAYS rushes in before commuters exit from the train ( this seems more rampant than our packed trains)..and this is one big gross why i sometimes refuses to take the train...So what is reality? Its just merely our interpretation of facts....

**Just thinking, would / does anyone know or can anyone guess who the 'she' i am referring to....oops...did i mention it in my previous blogs before???...

16th September 2008

The day I went to see the MO. The day I was temporary downgraded for a year. The next day, I was back at work.

On that night, I felt very isolated. It seems that I am the odd one out & that our directions are no longer the same. They were "congraduating" me of my new status, and marvelled the fact (no!!! Its perception...or rather, fallacy) of how "easy" it was for me to get out of it, without even asking me anything (Even if they asked me, I am sure they wouldnt understand what that medical condition really means). I dont blame them, its a normal response, especially so when the (only) motivation to continue being there is of getting out of there....

Lightning strikes twice???

When will I ever learn?? Thats a very big question which I thought I had an answer to (actually not really...but after nine months of pondering something, I should at least get some clues to an answer).. The first lightning strike (the nine months ago one) had created much fear and trepidation in me, which I till now I am still trying to come to terms with it. It took me some time to realise that the main concern is not "Whose fault it is?" or "Why did things turn out this way?", but rather "why did I care so much about a particular lightning strike when lightning sightings is such a common phenomenon?"

A colleague who's on relative good terms with me and "Snowman" commented that our conflict is a very small thing (compared to what others had to endure. According to him, she already treated me very kindly already). True enough. Its nothing more than a slight raise of voice (by both parties) & over-eagerness in solving situations, plus a difference in pirority and opinions, over the phone. I had experienced worse shouting matches with others, but somehow I feel its over as soon as the phone is put down. No hard feelings, no bin chao chao when we meet (or should I say, no "extra" bin chao chao..)

I havent had a chance to really talk to her after that incident. She did apologise to me by sms (I should add that she's not one to say sorry easily), and after another un-related conflict, I asked her if she's angry at what I had said, via sms. She didnt reply. Maybe I really think too much, or care too much about her reactions....Probably time will heal everything...I wouldnt see her for 3 weeks (she's in hong kong now & when she's back i will be in ICT)..i dont know if its a good thing or not...

Compared with others, my "friendship" with 'instant mee' and 'snowman' doesnt exactly have a starting point. I have no idea how we became close, its like all of a sudden we started to talk and then...we realise we can talk and communicate...and then...we can share our thoughts..and then...LIGHTNING STRIKES.....

My bright red apple

In the space of one week, I had dinner with my jap 5 friends and my colleagues. Both yield different thoughts & feelings...but ultimately, they induce a thought-provoking question : How does my apple (now) compares with other bright red apples....(Maybe there is no basis for comparison at all)...

Dinner with Jap 5 people was over a steamboat, with "princess" & "rubbish bin" (among others) attending. Nothing much seems to have changed, just that my level of Japanese seems to be (no..its obviously) deteriorating drastically. "Princess" is still so pretty, "bitter gould" is still so bitter, "rubbish bin" is still so..well...i guess my nicknames for them are proven to be so apt...Really thanks a lot to "princess" who planned this outing by accomodating my confusing & erratic schedule...And everyone who turned up were obviously tired after working the whole week (except "baggy pants" who's enjoying himself these few months) but still took the trouble to come...But sadly..two person whom I really wanted to meet didnt turn up (actually its 3..but if she came, i think it might be quite awkward for her).."Rainie" pulled out at the last minute (so comforting that at least she still remembered my number), "instant mee" couldnt make it (according to "baggy pants")...Now i have been psycho-ing (i dont know if this word exists..but you get the meaning) "mercedez" to organise another outing..think he took the bait...haha..

Dinner with my colleagues was over a a-la-carte (is it pronounced as ah-la-card?) buffet at a hotel. Nice ambience (in sociology terms), but the food is not totally to my apetite. Still prefer steamboat or BBQ though..."Snowman", "fake sister", "brokeback mountain" (among others) were there too... I used to think that there's an invisible boundary restricting colleagues from becoming friends..be it due to conflict of interest or competition or office politics..(to me, it still exists)..But probably not between "Snowman", "Brokeback mountain" and me..why?...Maybe its because our interpretation of certain things / events are similar...Or perhaps our personality are quite similar....Or... I also dont know...

"Princess" commented that 'the best thing about her job is that everyone outside thinks that hers' a very good company'. I guess it holds for everyone. Because no one will know that a bright red apple is full of worms unless he/she takes a bite. (Probably i should add that no one cares about the worms unless he / she is forced to eat it)..The number of worms vary, according to many factors like preference, experience, adaptability and age..(maybe the older you become, the lesser worms you see..or the older you become...you are immune to the worms)... But nonetheless...every apple has their fair share of worms...at least my apple juice seems juicer than theirs i think....

变奏曲

Actually i am really wondering why certain things, after such a long (half a year) period of time, I still cant forgive myself. Or should I say, I still keep hanging on to some memories which I know i am unable to turn back to.... maybe i need a scene in "变奏曲"to know that certain things, when filled with regrets, ought to be forgotten....Because there is no way i could have turn back time and change everything to fit what i am yearning for...

In bangkok, I am deeply reminded of the Tokyo trip. There is this thing that made me feel nostalgic and sad - packets of instant mee.....and I ate one packet last night after work...Just now, I was viewing my yahoo mail and telling myself that if I can find your email address somewhere there, I will send you a mail. The contents- I dont know what I will write. I dont know if its good or bad that I cant find it..... And i dont know why I have to sent you a mail to tell you how i am feeling now when i have your number and your blog address....

This incident had really affected me a lot... really.... i dont dare to make new friends because i am afraid of hurting them with my expectations...and I am even afraid of history repeating itself...Thats why i would rather draw a line between colleagues and friends....

I dont know what i expect to get from writing this post. Neither do I think this post will change anything..just that if there's a "变奏曲", i will do anything to prevent that incident from happening...but i guess everything's too late.....

We are colleagues, not friends....

About 10 years back (and suprising I still remembered it), a very popular actress (not so at that time) made this confession which created mass ripple effects. This sparked an 'inquiry' on whether there's internal conflict between the 2 of them. Now that I am in the work force, I fully agree with the statement she had made. There's absolute nothing wrong with it...

Being friends, rather than colleagues, school mates, CCA mates or whatever mates there are, encompasses something deeper. You need to accept them into your social circle, you need to accept their personality & character & strengths & flaws & mood swings, you need to have a common interest and most importantly you need to be comfortable being with them. As colleagues, its more simple. You dont need to like them, maybe you dont even need to look at them or talk to them (there's something called email); you only need to be able to work with them. Whether the outcome or process is successful or not, its subjective. And most often, its the perception of the boss that matters. If he thinks its okay, then it should be okay....

Over here, before I even know my colleagues by their name, one admin colleague had warned me that its not easy to deal with the people here. He didnt mention names (not that there is a need to as its so obvious who the problematic people are). "Snowman" is one of them (or should I say, the 'worst' among the lot). I used (its in past tense) to hate (this is an underrated verb) her a lot, especially the fact that she was (also in past tense) proud, arrogant, demanding, heartless, unsympathetic, immature, childish...The general sentiment is (in present tense) that very few people like her. I used to wonder why she & "fake sister" can be on such good terms when their character are poles apart. "Fake sister" has been helping me a lot & giving me lots of advice. It seems like whatever problems I am facing now, she had gone through them before (probably the only exception is that she had no problems getting along with "Snowman" then). Unfortunately she would be posted out in a few weeks time....

Its not to say that "snowman" has changed dramatically over these few months. Its quite surprising that when she started protraying a nicer side of her, my perception of her changed totally. Somehow, I am more accomodating towards her, I am more willing to talk to her (and resist slamming the phone), I dont have ill-feelings towards her, I can understand certain 'funny' decisions she makes, and the (worst?) thing is that I am beginning to find her gentle & cute (this is a very dangerous adjective. I seldom use this adjective to describe girls. Normally I will substitute it with 'adorable' or 'pretty'. There's one subtle difference (in my opinion)...Its a secret...haha...So far i think I only mentioned it to 'strawberry' and 'hamster' before...)

I will be heading for a short vacation trip in about 10 days time. Hopefully I can upload lots of pictures for all to see ('clemmie'..please help me with this) This trip was nearly jeopardised by her actions (not directly and certainly not intentional), but whatever, I dont hold it against her (this is a 'benefit' attached to being 'cute'). Its a 5 day trip, the language barrier might be hard to overcome (the only word I know is 'three bowls of pig legs'), nevertheless I believe i will have a good time there, especially so when she is enjoying (supposedly) herself in Japan...

Reflections - Circumstances vs Reality

Now that the year of the pig is finally over, its a good time to reflect on the past year & learn from the mistakes made & move on with life. So, some defining moments in 2007 (actually its till Feb 6, 2008).

Most relaxed moment/ Day : 23rd and 24th May 2007 (Last 2 days in Tokyo). The 2 days I spent alone. I am free to go anywhere I want, without any distractions or pressure or worries (thats the most important aspect, I think). I dont know if its because I am too used to being alone that I do not like the feeling of moving around as a group. The night view of Harajuku may not be as pretty as that of Odaiba or Shinjuku (perhaps I should add that the people with me are also quite pretty as well), but at least I feel relaxed & appreciative of the beauty the nightview. (The person (s) involved would have known (by now) why I feel so terrible & irritated during the trip. There are certain things which I tried so hard to convince myself to accept it, to the point of believing that I can take things in my stride, only to realise that i cant). Thats why I feel, i can lie to anybody, but there's no way i can lie to myself successfully...

26th November 2007 : The day I officially start training (work). After 6 months of frantically searching for a job, finally embarked on one. The times spent searching had been very frustrating, like what "hamster" had said, being patient is very important. The person whom helped me pull through this ordeal, sadly, no longer regards me as a friend. ( while I was typing this, she replied to my sms that 'of course we are still friends"..true or not, I dont want to guess..or rather, I dont have the courage to guess...perhaps its similar to the Tottenham - Slavia Prague match...its a victory, but somehow it seems like a defeat)

4th May 2007 & 3rd Jan 2008 : The day our friendship started and the day it ended. Much had been said in my previous 2 postings, so I dont think there's anything I want to add. Sometimes I still think of the happy times we share our thoughts through sms or msn...and how we built up our friendship...and how we ruin it...(An important lesson to learn from it is : dont be too honest and most importantly, dont ever start of a friendship or relationship with expectations of what the other person ought to be like)

9th December 2007 : The day I changed my phone. The day I lost all my sms / photos / contact list...(dont worry, my photos are clean)...Guess its fated...some things are meant to be forgotten ...the thing is whether I can forget them..

20th Feb 2007 : The saddest day in my life so far. Had a conflict with someone whom I valued a lot...Nevertheless, everything turns out fine...Maybe its pure superstition, its taboo to quarrel or be angry at people on New Years' Day (the full 15 days)..No wonder I feel the year of the pig had not been smooth-running for me....

There are certains things which when turn back time, I will still do it again even though I know what the aftermath will be like. Its something in my character, something based on circumstances...like the emotional blackmail on 5th of April, the losing of her friendship, the exercise on 15th Feb 2008, on a macro level, its seems debatable that I did that irrational act, but on that exact circumstances alone, I dont think its irrational or wrong. I know I can be quite vicious at times, especially when I am too engrossed in a particular version of the 'truth'...On those 3 occasions, I apologise. Not because I think I am wrong, but because I hurt them with my action....

遗失的美好-完结篇

这个结局，我想，在我的预料之外。对我而言，要结束一段友谊，须要很大的勇气与决心，一个无法原谅的错误，还得忘记和那人的点点滴滴，忘记她的好，忘记曾度过的快乐美好时光。友情可以随着时间而转淡，但要我在瞬间放弃，我实在做不到。

老实说，我到现在还不知道自己哪里做错了，严重到连朋友都当不成，连解释的机会都没有。我只不过要求“朋友”不要骗我，不要耍我吧了。或许这两个“基本的条件”是很难达成的。如果连朋友都信不过，我不知道还能相信谁。。。很讽刺地，在写这个post时就听到了周华健的这首歌。。。　　　　　　　

“朋友一生一起走，那些日子不再有，一句话一辈子，一生情一杯酒。。。朋友不朋友不曾孤单过，一生朋友你会懂，还有伤还有泪，还要走还有我。。。”　

虽然我们现在已不再是朋友，我依然希望你能过得比和我是朋友时还要好。希望希望如若有幸在街上遇到，你能至少和我打个招呼，给我个淡淡的微笑。。。毕竟我们曾相识过。。。