why am I so angry???

The title speaks for itself. I am angry...yes...very angry. At who?...This i know...But at what in particular...I really have no idea..Somehow it makes me even more angry to justify or to rationalise what i am angry about..... To the extent that this makes me isolated from my colleagues who are also my good friends....which to me is a big consequence of my actions, of my anti-sociality... i can think of 101 ways in which he irritates me, in which i cant stand, in which i hope he dont even exist.,,but these are not why i get so angry (even though i force myself and "brokeback" to believe in)....Looks like only "jade orchid" managed to see through me & my frustrations...ya its true...guys are better at giving solutions and solving problems...girls are better at consoling and showing empathy and understanding of those feelings / emotional problems..

I am not the sort of person who can get angry for long. I am quite easy to be pleased... (try chocolate ice-creams)..and normally i would apologise to that person to break the ice (even though sometimes it backfires...)..

The conflict between me is at most a clash of opinions and working style. Pretty nothing much. Its not the first day i know him anyway. One of the reason why i flare up is because i dont want a repeat of the "LKK" incident (LKK is a person's name) where he questions everything...the rationale, the sanity, the alternatives... that i did...that i could do...( this reason is true)..another thing is the tone and the way he speaks...machiam like want to challenge me like that...like he's confirm right because he had discussed it many times with "snowman"... and if in the most unlikely event he's wrong...he would consult my superior...Which would result in a repeat of that "LKK" incident....Honestly, this would make me flare up, but it wouldnt have a lasting impact...

And a gossip. This one, i am afraid, "jade orchid" got the main point at what i am angry about. He just said it at the wrong time, at the wrong place, at the wrong occasion, at the wrong atmosphere. The gossip is nothing, because as "jade orchid" consoles, the main characters (me included) wouldnt care about that at all because there are far too many gossips going around (especially for those who are singles) and "her" being so pretty and easy-going, she wouldnt have minded it at all. It wouldnt have any effect on our friendship (whether the gossip is true or not)...Neither would this any future implications...because its just a rumour, a gossip.. And "jade orchid" is sure i knew of these also...hence this being a reason i flare up is a lie....

I am just very very afraid that what "jade orchid" diagnosed is correct....because if what she said its true..it explains everything totally...but i really dont want it to be true....because i know i cant accept the consequences of that being true...

I am contemplating whether to sms him to apologise to him...okay...if that license plate of that bus i am taking next is odd, i will apologise..if its even..then see how la....

My birthday wish for 2008...to be fulfilled by Dec 2009...

For the past dont know how many birthdays, as far as i can remember, i had (in past tense) always been making intangible and vague wishes, which till now, i dont know if they came through or not. But i am very sure of something, my only clear & obvious wish in 2006 doesnt come true...And i guess..the way i did / didnt do certain things in the build-up, that wish was doomed at the start. So i shall state clearly some of my wishes..hopefully (no..i shall make it happen) they will come true by the next Dec.

1- A new pair of spectacles. I want the one which is similar to what my colleague has...plastic frame...and in red...He said the frame is widly available and is cheaper than the other non-plastic ones...But i wasnt that keen on window-shopping in spectacle shops in the first place...Never mind... i shall do it...

2 - A mahjong card set. My dad and my relatives had in the past said that the way i played is kinda predictable and that i always throw the wrong tiles.. so i would like to have one to hone my skills....No tiles set please, its too noisy....

3 - A sony ericsson handsfree earpiece. Mine was spoilt for like more than 2 months, and i was quite surprised that one from the flagship shop cost about $20 plus...Couldnt find it at those pasa malam stalls though...

Some intangible wishes

1 - The same for all the previous years, I want to be happy. But somehow i dont know exactly what makes me happy...i only know what makes me unhappy...but putting a 'dont' in front on that wish seems wierd...

2 - I want my career to be smooth sailing. And i mean...my present job...

3 - I wish for my parent's health, and by treating them well and giving them less to worry about... i guess it helps...

4 - I wish to have a solution to this problem...i wrote in my diary..."我还是无法把过去美好的回忆当成是种记念，而是一再地寻找当时的憧憬，当时的感觉，当时的点点滴滴。。。。如果我真的能做到能拿得起，放得下。。。我相信自己会活得快乐些，忧郁也会少一些，遗憾也会少一些， 痛苦会少很多。。。我也能够重新接受自己，勇敢地去寻求想要的未来，想要的世界，想要的一切“　

5 - I want to fulfill that unfulfilled wish that i made in 2006....that 'person' would surely be different (because if it does, it would contradict the above wish no.4)..and in the process of doing so... i shall play a more active role...be a more natural guy...and overcome my resistance and shyness and fear of doing certain things.... I know that its not as difficult as i thought it would be...and as long as i dont think too much and procrastinate and complicate things...the chances of this wish coming true is very high....

Taipei Vacation....Getting there & Coming back....

6D5N trip. First-time going there after watching so much of it on TV. The plane ride was quite good and comfortable (except for the lack of free food & drinks & blankets & music / TV player ) Its seems much better than those normal airlines. Maybe the 'budget' is in terms of something else....Not only me, but other travellers also complained about the antics that were being displayed onboard...those who blasts loud music over thir laptop / MP3, the constant 4hr40mins chatting by 2 elderly non-stop, the unwillingness to switch off their handphones & to buckle up their seatbelt (one even seems to be pretending to fall asleep when approached by the stewardess), and this one takes the cake...one page of the in-flight magazine was missing (the one detailing all the flights informations)...However, the service is great. The stewardess are very polite & courteous (the ground staffs too), the food is great (according to my mum), the safety instructions are clear & every information communicated to us are in english and mandarin (even the pilot's speech), the leg room is okay...oh yah..i quite like their uniform...orange and black...

In front of my seat are 2 girls whom at first i thought are Taiwanese. Their dressing is fashionable & they look pretty (they are pretty, just that they also know how to dress well too)..One of them, head tilted, resembles the 杨怡, the 杨怡in 学警雄心....And guess what, we are taking the same airport transfer, staying in the same hotel & will be going for the same tour the next day. Sounds good?

40 mins more....Bye Bye Changi....

40 mins more and I would be on the plane...yeah...quite a great feeling to be at one of my favorite place in Singapore, and going to another favorite destination.... Hope the journey is good (I have never taken budget airline before)...Anyone wants anything from there (i dont know if anyone knows exactly where i am going to as i didnt mention it), feel free to sms me....(but reply not guranteed...haha)....Bye Bye...

The evolving sense of 'reality'....

Certain things, i really dont know how to explain. Thought that its just me who's like that, but...
Where do i start??? U know for me especially, there are some people whom i can talk very freely with over the phone, and even if the topics get bored, there is no inclination to put down the phone.. but when i meet these people face to face, there's nothing much (interesting) to say. And on those rare occasionals when i get into msn, i could chat easily with people whom i most probably wouldnt even recognise them on the streets. It just seems that both of us can be "good friends" over the phone, but in reality, we just seems to be drifting very far apart. Sort of a double-life. Or a "地下情" that everything has to be done hush hush...or a 见不得光thing...or that one (or perhaps both) are ashamed or startled that we could / had been so close to each other... i really dont know why i get this kind of feeling...and it gets magnified when it comes to the opposite sex... I guess these type of atmosphere is created mutually...

One more day to go &　I would be on the plane...And coincidentally (maybe not so)...she (this word is a noun, and whether its specific, its ..) is also flying off on that day. Yah...the 'she' is the topic of discussion in the earlier paragraph. Same airline, different timing, different destination.... I checked my hotel location and its 10 mins away from the MRT station (the travel agent recommend it, says its 5 mins, and thats why i choose this)..and the online reviews arent exactly good...Most Singaporeans criticize it, but others are okay with it....(actually i think criticism doesnt mean its bad...tonnes and tonnes of people criticize the packness of our MRT train, but i am quite okay with it...Not many people criticize the fact that people ALWAYS rushes in before commuters exit from the train ( this seems more rampant than our packed trains)..and this is one big gross why i sometimes refuses to take the train...So what is reality? Its just merely our interpretation of facts....

**Just thinking, would / does anyone know or can anyone guess who the 'she' i am referring to....oops...did i mention it in my previous blogs before???...

16th September 2008

The day I went to see the MO. The day I was temporary downgraded for a year. The next day, I was back at work.

On that night, I felt very isolated. It seems that I am the odd one out & that our directions are no longer the same. They were "congraduating" me of my new status, and marvelled the fact (no!!! Its perception...or rather, fallacy) of how "easy" it was for me to get out of it, without even asking me anything (Even if they asked me, I am sure they wouldnt understand what that medical condition really means). I dont blame them, its a normal response, especially so when the (only) motivation to continue being there is of getting out of there....

Lightning strikes twice???

When will I ever learn?? Thats a very big question which I thought I had an answer to (actually not really...but after nine months of pondering something, I should at least get some clues to an answer).. The first lightning strike (the nine months ago one) had created much fear and trepidation in me, which I till now I am still trying to come to terms with it. It took me some time to realise that the main concern is not "Whose fault it is?" or "Why did things turn out this way?", but rather "why did I care so much about a particular lightning strike when lightning sightings is such a common phenomenon?"

A colleague who's on relative good terms with me and "Snowman" commented that our conflict is a very small thing (compared to what others had to endure. According to him, she already treated me very kindly already). True enough. Its nothing more than a slight raise of voice (by both parties) & over-eagerness in solving situations, plus a difference in pirority and opinions, over the phone. I had experienced worse shouting matches with others, but somehow I feel its over as soon as the phone is put down. No hard feelings, no bin chao chao when we meet (or should I say, no "extra" bin chao chao..)

I havent had a chance to really talk to her after that incident. She did apologise to me by sms (I should add that she's not one to say sorry easily), and after another un-related conflict, I asked her if she's angry at what I had said, via sms. She didnt reply. Maybe I really think too much, or care too much about her reactions....Probably time will heal everything...I wouldnt see her for 3 weeks (she's in hong kong now & when she's back i will be in ICT)..i dont know if its a good thing or not...

Compared with others, my "friendship" with 'instant mee' and 'snowman' doesnt exactly have a starting point. I have no idea how we became close, its like all of a sudden we started to talk and then...we realise we can talk and communicate...and then...we can share our thoughts..and then...LIGHTNING STRIKES.....