In the space of one week, I had dinner with my jap 5 friends and my colleagues. Both yield different thoughts & feelings...but ultimately, they induce a thought-provoking question : How does my apple (now) compares with other bright red apples....(Maybe there is no basis for comparison at all)...
Dinner with Jap 5 people was over a steamboat, with "princess" & "rubbish bin" (among others) attending. Nothing much seems to have changed, just that my level of Japanese seems to be (no..its obviously) deteriorating drastically. "Princess" is still so pretty, "bitter gould" is still so bitter, "rubbish bin" is still so..well...i guess my nicknames for them are proven to be so apt...Really thanks a lot to "princess" who planned this outing by accomodating my confusing & erratic schedule...And everyone who turned up were obviously tired after working the whole week (except "baggy pants" who's enjoying himself these few months) but still took the trouble to come...But sadly..two person whom I really wanted to meet didnt turn up (actually its 3..but if she came, i think it might be quite awkward for her).."Rainie" pulled out at the last minute (so comforting that at least she still remembered my number), "instant mee" couldnt make it (according to "baggy pants")...Now i have been psycho-ing (i dont know if this word exists..but you get the meaning) "mercedez" to organise another outing..think he took the bait...haha..
Dinner with my colleagues was over a a-la-carte (is it pronounced as ah-la-card?) buffet at a hotel. Nice ambience (in sociology terms), but the food is not totally to my apetite. Still prefer steamboat or BBQ though..."Snowman", "fake sister", "brokeback mountain" (among others) were there too... I used to think that there's an invisible boundary restricting colleagues from becoming friends..be it due to conflict of interest or competition or office politics..(to me, it still exists)..But probably not between "Snowman", "Brokeback mountain" and me..why?...Maybe its because our interpretation of certain things / events are similar...Or perhaps our personality are quite similar....Or... I also dont know...
"Princess" commented that 'the best thing about her job is that everyone outside thinks that hers' a very good company'. I guess it holds for everyone. Because no one will know that a bright red apple is full of worms unless he/she takes a bite. (Probably i should add that no one cares about the worms unless he / she is forced to eat it)..The number of worms vary, according to many factors like preference, experience, adaptability and age..(maybe the older you become, the lesser worms you see..or the older you become...you are immune to the worms)... But nonetheless...every apple has their fair share of worms...at least my apple juice seems juicer than theirs i think....
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
变奏曲
Actually i am really wondering why certain things, after such a long (half a year) period of time, I still cant forgive myself. Or should I say, I still keep hanging on to some memories which I know i am unable to turn back to.... maybe i need a scene in "变奏曲"to know that certain things, when filled with regrets, ought to be forgotten....Because there is no way i could have turn back time and change everything to fit what i am yearning for...
In bangkok, I am deeply reminded of the Tokyo trip. There is this thing that made me feel nostalgic and sad - packets of instant mee.....and I ate one packet last night after work...Just now, I was viewing my yahoo mail and telling myself that if I can find your email address somewhere there, I will send you a mail. The contents- I dont know what I will write. I dont know if its good or bad that I cant find it..... And i dont know why I have to sent you a mail to tell you how i am feeling now when i have your number and your blog address....
This incident had really affected me a lot... really.... i dont dare to make new friends because i am afraid of hurting them with my expectations...and I am even afraid of history repeating itself...Thats why i would rather draw a line between colleagues and friends....
I dont know what i expect to get from writing this post. Neither do I think this post will change anything..just that if there's a "变奏曲", i will do anything to prevent that incident from happening...but i guess everything's too late.....
In bangkok, I am deeply reminded of the Tokyo trip. There is this thing that made me feel nostalgic and sad - packets of instant mee.....and I ate one packet last night after work...Just now, I was viewing my yahoo mail and telling myself that if I can find your email address somewhere there, I will send you a mail. The contents- I dont know what I will write. I dont know if its good or bad that I cant find it..... And i dont know why I have to sent you a mail to tell you how i am feeling now when i have your number and your blog address....
This incident had really affected me a lot... really.... i dont dare to make new friends because i am afraid of hurting them with my expectations...and I am even afraid of history repeating itself...Thats why i would rather draw a line between colleagues and friends....
I dont know what i expect to get from writing this post. Neither do I think this post will change anything..just that if there's a "变奏曲", i will do anything to prevent that incident from happening...but i guess everything's too late.....
Friday, May 9, 2008
We are colleagues, not friends....
About 10 years back (and suprising I still remembered it), a very popular actress (not so at that time) made this confession which created mass ripple effects. This sparked an 'inquiry' on whether there's internal conflict between the 2 of them. Now that I am in the work force, I fully agree with the statement she had made. There's absolute nothing wrong with it...
Being friends, rather than colleagues, school mates, CCA mates or whatever mates there are, encompasses something deeper. You need to accept them into your social circle, you need to accept their personality & character & strengths & flaws & mood swings, you need to have a common interest and most importantly you need to be comfortable being with them. As colleagues, its more simple. You dont need to like them, maybe you dont even need to look at them or talk to them (there's something called email); you only need to be able to work with them. Whether the outcome or process is successful or not, its subjective. And most often, its the perception of the boss that matters. If he thinks its okay, then it should be okay....
Over here, before I even know my colleagues by their name, one admin colleague had warned me that its not easy to deal with the people here. He didnt mention names (not that there is a need to as its so obvious who the problematic people are). "Snowman" is one of them (or should I say, the 'worst' among the lot). I used (its in past tense) to hate (this is an underrated verb) her a lot, especially the fact that she was (also in past tense) proud, arrogant, demanding, heartless, unsympathetic, immature, childish...The general sentiment is (in present tense) that very few people like her. I used to wonder why she & "fake sister" can be on such good terms when their character are poles apart. "Fake sister" has been helping me a lot & giving me lots of advice. It seems like whatever problems I am facing now, she had gone through them before (probably the only exception is that she had no problems getting along with "Snowman" then). Unfortunately she would be posted out in a few weeks time....
Its not to say that "snowman" has changed dramatically over these few months. Its quite surprising that when she started protraying a nicer side of her, my perception of her changed totally. Somehow, I am more accomodating towards her, I am more willing to talk to her (and resist slamming the phone), I dont have ill-feelings towards her, I can understand certain 'funny' decisions she makes, and the (worst?) thing is that I am beginning to find her gentle & cute (this is a very dangerous adjective. I seldom use this adjective to describe girls. Normally I will substitute it with 'adorable' or 'pretty'. There's one subtle difference (in my opinion)...Its a secret...haha...So far i think I only mentioned it to 'strawberry' and 'hamster' before...)
I will be heading for a short vacation trip in about 10 days time. Hopefully I can upload lots of pictures for all to see ('clemmie'..please help me with this) This trip was nearly jeopardised by her actions (not directly and certainly not intentional), but whatever, I dont hold it against her (this is a 'benefit' attached to being 'cute'). Its a 5 day trip, the language barrier might be hard to overcome (the only word I know is 'three bowls of pig legs'), nevertheless I believe i will have a good time there, especially so when she is enjoying (supposedly) herself in Japan...
Being friends, rather than colleagues, school mates, CCA mates or whatever mates there are, encompasses something deeper. You need to accept them into your social circle, you need to accept their personality & character & strengths & flaws & mood swings, you need to have a common interest and most importantly you need to be comfortable being with them. As colleagues, its more simple. You dont need to like them, maybe you dont even need to look at them or talk to them (there's something called email); you only need to be able to work with them. Whether the outcome or process is successful or not, its subjective. And most often, its the perception of the boss that matters. If he thinks its okay, then it should be okay....
Over here, before I even know my colleagues by their name, one admin colleague had warned me that its not easy to deal with the people here. He didnt mention names (not that there is a need to as its so obvious who the problematic people are). "Snowman" is one of them (or should I say, the 'worst' among the lot). I used (its in past tense) to hate (this is an underrated verb) her a lot, especially the fact that she was (also in past tense) proud, arrogant, demanding, heartless, unsympathetic, immature, childish...The general sentiment is (in present tense) that very few people like her. I used to wonder why she & "fake sister" can be on such good terms when their character are poles apart. "Fake sister" has been helping me a lot & giving me lots of advice. It seems like whatever problems I am facing now, she had gone through them before (probably the only exception is that she had no problems getting along with "Snowman" then). Unfortunately she would be posted out in a few weeks time....
Its not to say that "snowman" has changed dramatically over these few months. Its quite surprising that when she started protraying a nicer side of her, my perception of her changed totally. Somehow, I am more accomodating towards her, I am more willing to talk to her (and resist slamming the phone), I dont have ill-feelings towards her, I can understand certain 'funny' decisions she makes, and the (worst?) thing is that I am beginning to find her gentle & cute (this is a very dangerous adjective. I seldom use this adjective to describe girls. Normally I will substitute it with 'adorable' or 'pretty'. There's one subtle difference (in my opinion)...Its a secret...haha...So far i think I only mentioned it to 'strawberry' and 'hamster' before...)
I will be heading for a short vacation trip in about 10 days time. Hopefully I can upload lots of pictures for all to see ('clemmie'..please help me with this) This trip was nearly jeopardised by her actions (not directly and certainly not intentional), but whatever, I dont hold it against her (this is a 'benefit' attached to being 'cute'). Its a 5 day trip, the language barrier might be hard to overcome (the only word I know is 'three bowls of pig legs'), nevertheless I believe i will have a good time there, especially so when she is enjoying (supposedly) herself in Japan...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Reflections - Circumstances vs Reality
Now that the year of the pig is finally over, its a good time to reflect on the past year & learn from the mistakes made & move on with life. So, some defining moments in 2007 (actually its till Feb 6, 2008).
Most relaxed moment/ Day : 23rd and 24th May 2007 (Last 2 days in Tokyo). The 2 days I spent alone. I am free to go anywhere I want, without any distractions or pressure or worries (thats the most important aspect, I think). I dont know if its because I am too used to being alone that I do not like the feeling of moving around as a group. The night view of Harajuku may not be as pretty as that of Odaiba or Shinjuku (perhaps I should add that the people with me are also quite pretty as well), but at least I feel relaxed & appreciative of the beauty the nightview. (The person (s) involved would have known (by now) why I feel so terrible & irritated during the trip. There are certain things which I tried so hard to convince myself to accept it, to the point of believing that I can take things in my stride, only to realise that i cant). Thats why I feel, i can lie to anybody, but there's no way i can lie to myself successfully...
26th November 2007 : The day I officially start training (work). After 6 months of frantically searching for a job, finally embarked on one. The times spent searching had been very frustrating, like what "hamster" had said, being patient is very important. The person whom helped me pull through this ordeal, sadly, no longer regards me as a friend. ( while I was typing this, she replied to my sms that 'of course we are still friends"..true or not, I dont want to guess..or rather, I dont have the courage to guess...perhaps its similar to the Tottenham - Slavia Prague match...its a victory, but somehow it seems like a defeat)
4th May 2007 & 3rd Jan 2008 : The day our friendship started and the day it ended. Much had been said in my previous 2 postings, so I dont think there's anything I want to add. Sometimes I still think of the happy times we share our thoughts through sms or msn...and how we built up our friendship...and how we ruin it...(An important lesson to learn from it is : dont be too honest and most importantly, dont ever start of a friendship or relationship with expectations of what the other person ought to be like)
9th December 2007 : The day I changed my phone. The day I lost all my sms / photos / contact list...(dont worry, my photos are clean)...Guess its fated...some things are meant to be forgotten ...the thing is whether I can forget them..
20th Feb 2007 : The saddest day in my life so far. Had a conflict with someone whom I valued a lot...Nevertheless, everything turns out fine...Maybe its pure superstition, its taboo to quarrel or be angry at people on New Years' Day (the full 15 days)..No wonder I feel the year of the pig had not been smooth-running for me....
There are certains things which when turn back time, I will still do it again even though I know what the aftermath will be like. Its something in my character, something based on circumstances...like the emotional blackmail on 5th of April, the losing of her friendship, the exercise on 15th Feb 2008, on a macro level, its seems debatable that I did that irrational act, but on that exact circumstances alone, I dont think its irrational or wrong. I know I can be quite vicious at times, especially when I am too engrossed in a particular version of the 'truth'...On those 3 occasions, I apologise. Not because I think I am wrong, but because I hurt them with my action....
Most relaxed moment/ Day : 23rd and 24th May 2007 (Last 2 days in Tokyo). The 2 days I spent alone. I am free to go anywhere I want, without any distractions or pressure or worries (thats the most important aspect, I think). I dont know if its because I am too used to being alone that I do not like the feeling of moving around as a group. The night view of Harajuku may not be as pretty as that of Odaiba or Shinjuku (perhaps I should add that the people with me are also quite pretty as well), but at least I feel relaxed & appreciative of the beauty the nightview. (The person (s) involved would have known (by now) why I feel so terrible & irritated during the trip. There are certain things which I tried so hard to convince myself to accept it, to the point of believing that I can take things in my stride, only to realise that i cant). Thats why I feel, i can lie to anybody, but there's no way i can lie to myself successfully...
26th November 2007 : The day I officially start training (work). After 6 months of frantically searching for a job, finally embarked on one. The times spent searching had been very frustrating, like what "hamster" had said, being patient is very important. The person whom helped me pull through this ordeal, sadly, no longer regards me as a friend. ( while I was typing this, she replied to my sms that 'of course we are still friends"..true or not, I dont want to guess..or rather, I dont have the courage to guess...perhaps its similar to the Tottenham - Slavia Prague match...its a victory, but somehow it seems like a defeat)
4th May 2007 & 3rd Jan 2008 : The day our friendship started and the day it ended. Much had been said in my previous 2 postings, so I dont think there's anything I want to add. Sometimes I still think of the happy times we share our thoughts through sms or msn...and how we built up our friendship...and how we ruin it...(An important lesson to learn from it is : dont be too honest and most importantly, dont ever start of a friendship or relationship with expectations of what the other person ought to be like)
9th December 2007 : The day I changed my phone. The day I lost all my sms / photos / contact list...(dont worry, my photos are clean)...Guess its fated...some things are meant to be forgotten ...the thing is whether I can forget them..
20th Feb 2007 : The saddest day in my life so far. Had a conflict with someone whom I valued a lot...Nevertheless, everything turns out fine...Maybe its pure superstition, its taboo to quarrel or be angry at people on New Years' Day (the full 15 days)..No wonder I feel the year of the pig had not been smooth-running for me....
There are certains things which when turn back time, I will still do it again even though I know what the aftermath will be like. Its something in my character, something based on circumstances...like the emotional blackmail on 5th of April, the losing of her friendship, the exercise on 15th Feb 2008, on a macro level, its seems debatable that I did that irrational act, but on that exact circumstances alone, I dont think its irrational or wrong. I know I can be quite vicious at times, especially when I am too engrossed in a particular version of the 'truth'...On those 3 occasions, I apologise. Not because I think I am wrong, but because I hurt them with my action....
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
遗失的美好-完结篇
这个结局，我想，在我的预料之外。对我而言，要结束一段友谊，须要很大的勇气与决心，一个无法原谅的错误，还得忘记和那人的点点滴滴，忘记她的好，忘记曾度过的快乐美好时光。友情可以随着时间而转淡，但要我在瞬间放弃，我实在做不到。
老实说，我到现在还不知道自己哪里做错了，严重到连朋友都当不成，连解释的机会都没有。我只不过要求“朋友”不要骗我，不要耍我吧了。或许这两个“基本的条件”是很难达成的。如果连朋友都信不过，我不知道还能相信谁。。。很讽刺地，在写这个post时就听到了周华健的这首歌。。。
“朋友一生一起走，那些日子不再有，一句话一辈子，一生情一杯酒。。。朋友不朋友不曾孤单过，一生朋友你会懂，还有伤还有泪，还要走还有我。。。”
虽然我们现在已不再是朋友，我依然希望你能过得比和我是朋友时还要好。希望希望如若有幸在街上遇到，你能至少和我打个招呼，给我个淡淡的微笑。。。毕竟我们曾相识过。。。
老实说，我到现在还不知道自己哪里做错了，严重到连朋友都当不成，连解释的机会都没有。我只不过要求“朋友”不要骗我，不要耍我吧了。或许这两个“基本的条件”是很难达成的。如果连朋友都信不过，我不知道还能相信谁。。。很讽刺地，在写这个post时就听到了周华健的这首歌。。。
“朋友一生一起走，那些日子不再有，一句话一辈子，一生情一杯酒。。。朋友不朋友不曾孤单过，一生朋友你会懂，还有伤还有泪，还要走还有我。。。”
虽然我们现在已不再是朋友，我依然希望你能过得比和我是朋友时还要好。希望希望如若有幸在街上遇到，你能至少和我打个招呼，给我个淡淡的微笑。。。毕竟我们曾相识过。。。
Monday, December 17, 2007
遗失的美好
"i spent a lot of time pondering over this today... all i can say is that i really don't know what happened to result in u saying this... but it sure is painful to see it come from someone whom i thought could talk to me about anything and vice versa... "
Probably, I really overestimated the depth of our friendship. I sincerly believe that the strength of a friendship depends on various factors : the level of mutual trust, the understanding & acceptance of each other's flaws & strengths, the amount and quality of conversations.....
What do I think is our main problem? You are the first & only person whom I allowed to read my diary. Remember I told you before " I want to know a girl not because I like her, but because I think she is a very nice girl"....I am are referring to you....When we first started knowing each other, both of us conceded that we are not as good as what each other had in mind of....Till now, I still regard you as a very nice girl, a very good friend..Thats why I really dont want to lose our precious friendship, especially over 'busy-ness' or 'misunderstandings'...
I dont know if you are angry with me or upset over what I said..Sometimes, I literally take the phrase 'put myself in other's shoe' a little too far... Its not that I am not understanding enough...I just cannot accept others doing things which I think I would never have done in those circumstances...And thats why to me, being busy is never a good excuse to sweep over things that had / had not, should / should not be done...Its a matter of perspective & priority...I feel, a balance in everything is crucial....
These days, I have been continously pondering why I can accept 'rubbish bin' for constantly breaking promises but not you... ( I confirmed with him twice that his birthday party was for real and wasnt convinced until the day before when 'keio exchange' and 'princess' sms me..) The feeling of a good friend 'putting aeroplane' is horrible & I dont want to experience the disappointment of pinning for something pleasant to happen, only to realise later that its never going to happen... So I tend to treat everything as false until its proven to be true...As you know, I am very afraid of getting hurt, so at times I am ultra-defensive to protect myself...
Its not in my slightest intention to blame you for whatever that had happened. Back to the second paragraph, I think I am at fault that I am for expecting too much from you in this friendship..I really hope to continue being the 'someone who I thought could talk to me about everything and vice versa;...Its possible only if both of us put in the effort to make it work...
SHALL WE?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
my lie (to myself) will go on....
Lately, I took the JLPT 2 exam. Maybe 'strawberry' did indeed made a correct decision not to take it - for my standard & level of Japanese, it seems a tall order to even understand the passages in the comprehension, let alone pass it. But spending $30 on an annual exam seems worth the calculated risk, especially since I would surely have forgotten everything by the next year.
One of the reasons why I was so keen to take it was that I wanted to see my friends, those friends who took Japanese classes with me in school. Its been some time since I last saw them & was relishing this opportunity to meet them for a brief chat, especially 'rainie'...Sadly, I didnt get my wish.
Finally at 'rubbish bin' (unexpected) birthday party, I met some of them there. 'capucinno' la, 'princess' la (her "pretty-ness" seems to have gone at least one level up since she came back from the states)...., 'underground couple', 'shanghai beach' and 'keio exchange'. Actually they also took JLPT, but theirs was in Changi, so I didnt see them.
Sometimes, its quite true : you would see people whom you didnt want to see, but miss those people you really want to see.... (if you notice, there is one name missing from that above list)...I kinda feel uneasy when someone mention (that person) name, let alone seeing (this person) in flesh...Partly its because there are certain things I ought to forget & accept graciously...but despite lying to myself over the past few months (to be more accurate, its 13 months) that I can, the actual fact remains that I cant...
One of the reasons why I was so keen to take it was that I wanted to see my friends, those friends who took Japanese classes with me in school. Its been some time since I last saw them & was relishing this opportunity to meet them for a brief chat, especially 'rainie'...Sadly, I didnt get my wish.
Finally at 'rubbish bin' (unexpected) birthday party, I met some of them there. 'capucinno' la, 'princess' la (her "pretty-ness" seems to have gone at least one level up since she came back from the states)...., 'underground couple', 'shanghai beach' and 'keio exchange'. Actually they also took JLPT, but theirs was in Changi, so I didnt see them.
Sometimes, its quite true : you would see people whom you didnt want to see, but miss those people you really want to see.... (if you notice, there is one name missing from that above list)...I kinda feel uneasy when someone mention (that person) name, let alone seeing (this person) in flesh...Partly its because there are certain things I ought to forget & accept graciously...but despite lying to myself over the past few months (to be more accurate, its 13 months) that I can, the actual fact remains that I cant...
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