Reflections - Circumstances vs Reality

Now that the year of the pig is finally over, its a good time to reflect on the past year & learn from the mistakes made & move on with life. So, some defining moments in 2007 (actually its till Feb 6, 2008).

Most relaxed moment/ Day : 23rd and 24th May 2007 (Last 2 days in Tokyo). The 2 days I spent alone. I am free to go anywhere I want, without any distractions or pressure or worries (thats the most important aspect, I think). I dont know if its because I am too used to being alone that I do not like the feeling of moving around as a group. The night view of Harajuku may not be as pretty as that of Odaiba or Shinjuku (perhaps I should add that the people with me are also quite pretty as well), but at least I feel relaxed & appreciative of the beauty the nightview. (The person (s) involved would have known (by now) why I feel so terrible & irritated during the trip. There are certain things which I tried so hard to convince myself to accept it, to the point of believing that I can take things in my stride, only to realise that i cant). Thats why I feel, i can lie to anybody, but there's no way i can lie to myself successfully...

26th November 2007 : The day I officially start training (work). After 6 months of frantically searching for a job, finally embarked on one. The times spent searching had been very frustrating, like what "hamster" had said, being patient is very important. The person whom helped me pull through this ordeal, sadly, no longer regards me as a friend. ( while I was typing this, she replied to my sms that 'of course we are still friends"..true or not, I dont want to guess..or rather, I dont have the courage to guess...perhaps its similar to the Tottenham - Slavia Prague match...its a victory, but somehow it seems like a defeat)

4th May 2007 & 3rd Jan 2008 : The day our friendship started and the day it ended. Much had been said in my previous 2 postings, so I dont think there's anything I want to add. Sometimes I still think of the happy times we share our thoughts through sms or msn...and how we built up our friendship...and how we ruin it...(An important lesson to learn from it is : dont be too honest and most importantly, dont ever start of a friendship or relationship with expectations of what the other person ought to be like)

9th December 2007 : The day I changed my phone. The day I lost all my sms / photos / contact list...(dont worry, my photos are clean)...Guess its fated...some things are meant to be forgotten ...the thing is whether I can forget them..

20th Feb 2007 : The saddest day in my life so far. Had a conflict with someone whom I valued a lot...Nevertheless, everything turns out fine...Maybe its pure superstition, its taboo to quarrel or be angry at people on New Years' Day (the full 15 days)..No wonder I feel the year of the pig had not been smooth-running for me....

There are certains things which when turn back time, I will still do it again even though I know what the aftermath will be like. Its something in my character, something based on circumstances...like the emotional blackmail on 5th of April, the losing of her friendship, the exercise on 15th Feb 2008, on a macro level, its seems debatable that I did that irrational act, but on that exact circumstances alone, I dont think its irrational or wrong. I know I can be quite vicious at times, especially when I am too engrossed in a particular version of the 'truth'...On those 3 occasions, I apologise. Not because I think I am wrong, but because I hurt them with my action....

遗失的美好-完结篇

这个结局，我想，在我的预料之外。对我而言，要结束一段友谊，须要很大的勇气与决心，一个无法原谅的错误，还得忘记和那人的点点滴滴，忘记她的好，忘记曾度过的快乐美好时光。友情可以随着时间而转淡，但要我在瞬间放弃，我实在做不到。

老实说，我到现在还不知道自己哪里做错了，严重到连朋友都当不成，连解释的机会都没有。我只不过要求“朋友”不要骗我，不要耍我吧了。或许这两个“基本的条件”是很难达成的。如果连朋友都信不过，我不知道还能相信谁。。。很讽刺地，在写这个post时就听到了周华健的这首歌。。。　　　　　　　

“朋友一生一起走，那些日子不再有，一句话一辈子，一生情一杯酒。。。朋友不朋友不曾孤单过，一生朋友你会懂，还有伤还有泪，还要走还有我。。。”　

虽然我们现在已不再是朋友，我依然希望你能过得比和我是朋友时还要好。希望希望如若有幸在街上遇到，你能至少和我打个招呼，给我个淡淡的微笑。。。毕竟我们曾相识过。。。　　

遗失的美好

"i spent a lot of time pondering over this today... all i can say is that i really don't know what happened to result in u saying this... but it sure is painful to see it come from someone whom i thought could talk to me about anything and vice versa... "

Probably, I really overestimated the depth of our friendship. I sincerly believe that the strength of a friendship depends on various factors : the level of mutual trust, the understanding & acceptance of each other's flaws & strengths, the amount and quality of conversations.....

What do I think is our main problem? You are the first & only person whom I allowed to read my diary. Remember I told you before " I want to know a girl not because I like her, but because I think she is a very nice girl"....I am are referring to you....When we first started knowing each other, both of us conceded that we are not as good as what each other had in mind of....Till now, I still regard you as a very nice girl, a very good friend..Thats why I really dont want to lose our precious friendship, especially over 'busy-ness' or 'misunderstandings'...

I dont know if you are angry with me or upset over what I said..Sometimes, I literally take the phrase 'put myself in other's shoe' a little too far... Its not that I am not understanding enough...I just cannot accept others doing things which I think I would never have done in those circumstances...And thats why to me, being busy is never a good excuse to sweep over things that had / had not, should / should not be done...Its a matter of perspective & priority...I feel, a balance in everything is crucial....

These days, I have been continously pondering why I can accept 'rubbish bin' for constantly breaking promises but not you... ( I confirmed with him twice that his birthday party was for real and wasnt convinced until the day before when 'keio exchange' and 'princess' sms me..) The feeling of a good friend 'putting aeroplane' is horrible & I dont want to experience the disappointment of pinning for something pleasant to happen, only to realise later that its never going to happen... So I tend to treat everything as false until its proven to be true...As you know, I am very afraid of getting hurt, so at times I am ultra-defensive to protect myself...

Its not in my slightest intention to blame you for whatever that had happened. Back to the second paragraph, I think I am at fault that I am for expecting too much from you in this friendship..I really hope to continue being the 'someone who I thought could talk to me about everything and vice versa;...Its possible only if both of us put in the effort to make it work...

SHALL WE?

my lie (to myself) will go on....

Lately, I took the JLPT 2 exam. Maybe 'strawberry' did indeed made a correct decision not to take it - for my standard & level of Japanese, it seems a tall order to even understand the passages in the comprehension, let alone pass it. But spending $30 on an annual exam seems worth the calculated risk, especially since I would surely have forgotten everything by the next year.

One of the reasons why I was so keen to take it was that I wanted to see my friends, those friends who took Japanese classes with me in school. Its been some time since I last saw them & was relishing this opportunity to meet them for a brief chat, especially 'rainie'...Sadly, I didnt get my wish.

Finally at 'rubbish bin' (unexpected) birthday party, I met some of them there. 'capucinno' la, 'princess' la (her "pretty-ness" seems to have gone at least one level up since she came back from the states)...., 'underground couple', 'shanghai beach' and 'keio exchange'. Actually they also took JLPT, but theirs was in Changi, so I didnt see them.

Sometimes, its quite true : you would see people whom you didnt want to see, but miss those people you really want to see.... (if you notice, there is one name missing from that above list)...I kinda feel uneasy when someone mention (that person) name, let alone seeing (this person) in flesh...Partly its because there are certain things I ought to forget & accept graciously...but despite lying to myself over the past few months (to be more accurate, its 13 months) that I can, the actual fact remains that I cant...

Thank You!!!

I would like to take this opportunity to convey my appreciation & heartfelt thanx to the following people (not in any order) for their help & encouragement during those turbulent days of unemployment.

'clemmie'- thanx for letting me use your computer & internet access f.o.c, as well as your encouragement & teaching me the art of answering wierd questions in interviews.

'princess'- for recommending me to a bank & letting me know of lobangs. Also thanx a lot for your accurate & reflective thoughts which enable me to have a clearer picture to choose between job A & B, and for your encouragement on my blog as well.

'hamster'- your encouragement & comments on my blog, as well as preparing me for the interview at 'civilian is king'

'rubbish bin'- for accompanying me to the career fairs despite having a job & lending me your name as a character referee

'JQ'- for being my character referee without any reservations

'strawberry'- for introducing jobs to me. I really like your "just see what you like & email them"..hehe..

And last but not least...

'instant mee'- seems like I have lots of things to say to you, but also seems like I have nothing to say to you...maybe all thats' should be said are all written in the card I gave you...

冲上云霄。。。

One of the two locations that I would love to work at is at Changi Airport. (the other being Raffles Place). So assuming I get this job, there's a chance that I would be posted there. (I should add that there's also an equal chance I will get posted to Woodlands, Tuas, HarbourFront or Lavender) I love seeing planes depart / land, the elegant nature in which it soars beyond the clouds and eventually land at a foreign land full of expectant travellers. Probably I got influenced by the TV drama "冲上云霄" ( Btw, its an interesting drama & the songs are nice (陈奕迅's cantonese version of "兄妹", but the plot is somehow unrealistic, especially the part on the aftermath of the love-triangle). A few years back, there was this direct bus service from my home to the Airport. I knew for sure this bus service wouldnt last (not many people use this service, especially from Toa Payoh onwards to the Airport), so I made sure I took it whenever I can. Till now, I cant help reminiscening the times I was there...all wonderful memories...Probably the only exception being the latest one..(What happened? Look for clues in my earlier posts..hehe)

Prior to the interview, there is a mandatory psychometric test. It comprises of a segment on testing our ability to interpret what we read (the usual true false cannot tell), a situational judgement test & a personality test. The passages in the first test are quite difficult & incomprehensible (are they testing us on our English as well?) compared to the one I took a couple of weeks ago. There were about 30 people in all, some wearing t-shirts, jeans sneakers...I was quite sure of getting an interview (I know my strengths) and sure enough I got one.

The interview format, also in some sense similiar to "DBE" are rather straight in the face. The difference lies with the fact that over here, they didnt undermine our confidence or capabilities. I was asked quite a bit on my NS experiences, and whether I was easily provoked. For the record, I gave a bad and a good lesson I learned. (In 'banana' camp, the negative aspects always have something to do with a particular guy, erm..i mean 'fruit' ...ya, there's one more, but I am not associating him with 'banana' since he 'rescued?' me from potential guard duties)..

This morning, I received a call from them to inform me that I was finally accepted into this organisation. SO HAPPY!...everything still seems so surreal & like a dream....

Lessons from 金三顺

“因为我是爸爸的女儿，所以我要好好活着，嫁个好人家；我的姐姐们也有好好活着的责任。。。道营，如果一直为了因不因该追求幸福这件事整日苦恼，压力很重，最后变得像老光棍儿一样的话，你的妈妈不会就这样放过你的，不是吗？’。三顺开解道营时说的话。。

After being unemployed for such a (long) period of time, the frustration has reached its peak. To be honest, its unbearable. 三顺曾埋怨：“难道胖的女人就不是人吗？”。。我觉得:"难道fresh grads 就不是人吗？，难道没有internship,ＳＥＰ，ＵＳＰ，ｈｏｎｏｕｒｓ就不算ｇｒａｄｕａｔｅ吗？Ｉｎｔｅｒｖｉｅｗ　中会紧张会吃螺丝的就不是ｃａｐａｂｌｅ的人吗？　现实真的真的需要那么残酷吗？“....Sadly, I will never know when this nightmare will end. (nightmare may seem to be too strong a word, but I am sure 'rubbish bin' can attest to this horrible feeling). How will my_____ relatives react to me being unemployed by that supposedly joyous occasion of CNY? Or coming to terms that my friends who are in university have gone throught a full semester but I have nothing to show for? Yes..I know its still early to be thinking of that, however spending close to 5 months in the wilderness saps one's confidence and motivation. Then I came upon the above quotes........

And this in when I realised one thing :"人可以没有期望，但一定不可以对自己绝望"... So much easier said than done....

Final words of advice from 金三顺：“越是喜欢一个人，恋爱的道路就会越走越艰难，每次失败的时候总会想下次一定能成功，但是越走恋爱的路就会越艰难"... So true!...I guess the same rational holds for seeking employment too.....